My Confession to you~

3 Jul

My Dear,

I have some confessions to make, not sure you’ll see it or not~

But it doesn’t matter because the aim is for me to write down some thoughts only~

Since you left, I was extremely sad, I cried while I was on my way to the airport..

After you told me you’re going after “someone”, I asked you if you’re happy.

During my days while traveling, I wrote you postcards and some funny shaped letters etc. Almost on a daily basis..

Because of your stupid phone line, which will cost a bomb if I called you from overseas, I refrained from calling you no matter how much I missed you. I tried texting you, whatapps-ing you, FB-ing you etc. So as to keep in touch with you. I missed you from the first day I went abroad~

You told me that I was the one who gave up on our relationship because I went away for 1mth+

But, when you knew me, you already knew that I was planning to go away for a month, to search for what I want for my future..

I had food poisoning and fever on the day I came back to put my luggage, I “crawled” my way to see you, giving you some lame excuses just because I missed you so badly and I wanted to see you for awhile~

It was correct to say that, if you’re happy, I’m OK with whatever you want~ That was what I wrote to you in every letter I sent out~

I remembered at first when I first know you, there is a strong sense of “self protection” all over you..

When I got to know of your past, your background and your feelings, I can really understand how you feel.. Because I’ve been through similar situations..

When you’re angry / sad, there is nothing I can do.. I felt the heartache , or the kind of 心疼, I just want to hug you tightly so that you’ll calm down, so that you’ll feel that you’re not all alone, or maybe just to give you some hope in life…

You completely broke my heart when you told me you’re after someone, but I didn’t cry in front of you, because you’ll feel frustrated when I do so.. So hard.. I hold my tears..

I cried while I was in the airport, and when I went to KL, I locked myself in Matahari with the Vodka that I bought~ I drank myself till drunk with a big headache, with an empty stomach and a gastric pain.. I slept so much until big fat afternoon just to make myself not think about you..

When you called me at KL, I was surprised but I wana cry..

And when I came back, you clarified that you’ve not loved me before.. I hold my cries, so that you’ll not hear it in the phone.. By insisting that you tell me in the phone, at least I can cry silently instead of letting you see how I looked like..

I walked away quietly after I bid goodbye to you~

You may not know.. after you “clarified” things with me.. I locked myself in the house, or hide in JB, in my school, so that I’ll not think about you.. Everywhere in the house, around my housing area, around the places where I hanged out, and even in buses to JB or coming back , the journey, and even the places in KL/ Klang, were your shadows.. I don’t wana be reminded of you..

But yet, whenever I did, I would cry myself to sleep, cried silently in my heart.. The songs in my MP3 reminded of you.. 被遗忘的是放开手的人..

I literally “locked” myself at home, although the room, the whole house were filled with your shadows~

I never had my real family since young, I’m alone no matter what~

The meals I had with you, the food that I cooked.. Although I really hated seaweed soup, but I always cook for you because I know you like it.. And I knew, deep down in your heart, you wanted a family, a place where you feel you belong instead of place you detest..

While you were happily dating, I had to go for operations for my toe, I went alone~ Anyways I’m always alone..

During my lockup period of one month, I cried everyday, I refused to eat anything until I couldn’t take it..

I knew that I’ve lost you.. but when I met you again and you told me about your frustrations between you and her, and when you showed me your despair.. I’m not in any position to hug you anymore.. I asked myself if you’re happy? If you’re not, why are you holding on to it?

Have I ever made you despair? I tried my best to bring a smile to your face, even if it means making a fool out of myself..

Even after 1mth + , when I started work, I became “normal”.. I numbed myself with my jobssss and other stuffs, I tried not to check your Facebook and reduced my texts n calls to you..

I was being forced to go USS with my “family”, whom they thought they could foster some “family love” into me after so many years of letting me go.. It is they who decided that I’m not needed in their life..

I was being left alone.. So when I went to USS and saw my brother, I immediately retreated away, and roamed around Universal studios alone~ There were happy families everywhere and I can’t help but remembered the times when you warmed my heart and told me to celebrate my New year with you.. Our plan to have a trip to Hong Kong and so on..

There was despair in me when I’m really sick and you didn’t came to see me.. I thought I was dying but you refused to dropped by.. Eventually, I didn’t bother to call you anymore..

One day.. you asked me out.. I hanged out with you and I realized that I couldn’t get over you.. Even if it’s that small bit of love from you, I would be contented..

But then again.. I reminded myself not to bother you .. not to add on to your troubles.. if you’re troubled, you can always call me, but I won’t do that to you.. because you’re busy and I’m no longer your priority anymore..

I do admit..I cried for you sometimes, even while I recalled our past.. When I’m at my bed, alone, silently.. I would drop tears till I fell asleep..

我会好好的, 就算你已经把我的幸福拿走了, 就算我以后应该很难相信其他的他, 但是谢谢你曾经温暖过我的心..

Things became normal now for me.. It is normal for me to cry over you, but I’ll not call you over such minor things.. In actual fact.. I’m always alone..

There is no trust anymore, and no more feelings from me anymore.. Because from the day you left.. You took them away..

If you’re happy, I’m fine with anything..

I wish you well..~

 

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