Archive | Emo~ RSS feed for this section

Thank you Mr Lee Kuan Yew~!

23 Mar

Dear founding father,

The pain of losing you is real, nevertheless, I’m really grateful for everything you’ve done for our country.

Before: 

lky 3

lky4

Now: 

You’re the father of Singapore, no amount of “thank you(s)” will be able to show my appreciation.

lky 1

lky 2

I’ve traveled far and been to many places, there’s no place like home, Singapore.

I’m so proud to be a Singaporean.

THANK YOU! 

Rest in peace…

lky6

Advertisements

My Confession to you~

3 Jul

My Dear,

I have some confessions to make, not sure you’ll see it or not~

But it doesn’t matter because the aim is for me to write down some thoughts only~

Since you left, I was extremely sad, I cried while I was on my way to the airport..

After you told me you’re going after “someone”, I asked you if you’re happy.

During my days while traveling, I wrote you postcards and some funny shaped letters etc. Almost on a daily basis..

Because of your stupid phone line, which will cost a bomb if I called you from overseas, I refrained from calling you no matter how much I missed you. I tried texting you, whatapps-ing you, FB-ing you etc. So as to keep in touch with you. I missed you from the first day I went abroad~

You told me that I was the one who gave up on our relationship because I went away for 1mth+

But, when you knew me, you already knew that I was planning to go away for a month, to search for what I want for my future..

I had food poisoning and fever on the day I came back to put my luggage, I “crawled” my way to see you, giving you some lame excuses just because I missed you so badly and I wanted to see you for awhile~

It was correct to say that, if you’re happy, I’m OK with whatever you want~ That was what I wrote to you in every letter I sent out~

I remembered at first when I first know you, there is a strong sense of “self protection” all over you..

When I got to know of your past, your background and your feelings, I can really understand how you feel.. Because I’ve been through similar situations..

When you’re angry / sad, there is nothing I can do.. I felt the heartache , or the kind of 心疼, I just want to hug you tightly so that you’ll calm down, so that you’ll feel that you’re not all alone, or maybe just to give you some hope in life…

You completely broke my heart when you told me you’re after someone, but I didn’t cry in front of you, because you’ll feel frustrated when I do so.. So hard.. I hold my tears..

I cried while I was in the airport, and when I went to KL, I locked myself in Matahari with the Vodka that I bought~ I drank myself till drunk with a big headache, with an empty stomach and a gastric pain.. I slept so much until big fat afternoon just to make myself not think about you..

When you called me at KL, I was surprised but I wana cry..

And when I came back, you clarified that you’ve not loved me before.. I hold my cries, so that you’ll not hear it in the phone.. By insisting that you tell me in the phone, at least I can cry silently instead of letting you see how I looked like..

I walked away quietly after I bid goodbye to you~

You may not know.. after you “clarified” things with me.. I locked myself in the house, or hide in JB, in my school, so that I’ll not think about you.. Everywhere in the house, around my housing area, around the places where I hanged out, and even in buses to JB or coming back , the journey, and even the places in KL/ Klang, were your shadows.. I don’t wana be reminded of you..

But yet, whenever I did, I would cry myself to sleep, cried silently in my heart.. The songs in my MP3 reminded of you.. 被遗忘的是放开手的人..

I literally “locked” myself at home, although the room, the whole house were filled with your shadows~

I never had my real family since young, I’m alone no matter what~

The meals I had with you, the food that I cooked.. Although I really hated seaweed soup, but I always cook for you because I know you like it.. And I knew, deep down in your heart, you wanted a family, a place where you feel you belong instead of place you detest..

While you were happily dating, I had to go for operations for my toe, I went alone~ Anyways I’m always alone..

During my lockup period of one month, I cried everyday, I refused to eat anything until I couldn’t take it..

I knew that I’ve lost you.. but when I met you again and you told me about your frustrations between you and her, and when you showed me your despair.. I’m not in any position to hug you anymore.. I asked myself if you’re happy? If you’re not, why are you holding on to it?

Have I ever made you despair? I tried my best to bring a smile to your face, even if it means making a fool out of myself..

Even after 1mth + , when I started work, I became “normal”.. I numbed myself with my jobssss and other stuffs, I tried not to check your Facebook and reduced my texts n calls to you..

I was being forced to go USS with my “family”, whom they thought they could foster some “family love” into me after so many years of letting me go.. It is they who decided that I’m not needed in their life..

I was being left alone.. So when I went to USS and saw my brother, I immediately retreated away, and roamed around Universal studios alone~ There were happy families everywhere and I can’t help but remembered the times when you warmed my heart and told me to celebrate my New year with you.. Our plan to have a trip to Hong Kong and so on..

There was despair in me when I’m really sick and you didn’t came to see me.. I thought I was dying but you refused to dropped by.. Eventually, I didn’t bother to call you anymore..

One day.. you asked me out.. I hanged out with you and I realized that I couldn’t get over you.. Even if it’s that small bit of love from you, I would be contented..

But then again.. I reminded myself not to bother you .. not to add on to your troubles.. if you’re troubled, you can always call me, but I won’t do that to you.. because you’re busy and I’m no longer your priority anymore..

I do admit..I cried for you sometimes, even while I recalled our past.. When I’m at my bed, alone, silently.. I would drop tears till I fell asleep..

我会好好的, 就算你已经把我的幸福拿走了, 就算我以后应该很难相信其他的他, 但是谢谢你曾经温暖过我的心..

Things became normal now for me.. It is normal for me to cry over you, but I’ll not call you over such minor things.. In actual fact.. I’m always alone..

There is no trust anymore, and no more feelings from me anymore.. Because from the day you left.. You took them away..

If you’re happy, I’m fine with anything..

I wish you well..~

 

Life without you :)

13 Jun

Well, it was quite sad actually~

I went to Universal studios alone, and then my dad invited me to have dinner with his son and his wife~ When I saw his son, I immediately ran away~ I would rather starve to death than to have my meals with two people~ They three are like a Happy Family~ Why bother to ask me ? Hahaha~

On another side note, it was quite happy for me to be alone, all the rides, basically barely any queues because single riders can just cut the queue to fill up the empty space 😛

Oh ya, after talking so much~

Forgot~

Bonjour~

Comment  Tu T’appelle?

Je M’appelle Kaya~

I started my class with “French Toast” , I was so attracted by the name and they called their students “Toasties” and yes, I’m exactly one of them 🙂

I started my work, with no time for myself, not to say, no time for you~

I text you on the other day of a sudden thought to thank you, for you’ve warmed my heart before, I was genuinely happy although we did stupid things together~

I’m sick~And very sick~

First, I started working at Takashimaya, one of the beauty counters, if you wana find out, visit me and buy from me , wahahahhaha~

I didn’t have enough to sleep because of internal mess by the people above me~

Then I slept 4 hours only for three days continously

After two days of wearing shoes, or I should say, wearing covered heels, my feet gave up on me~

I had to call Ee Ju for help~

Karen, the receptionist was laughing at me lah~

Then after that, I was officially certified as a flat footer, which explains why I keep falling down, why I always can’t wear those cheap heels etc.

I bought a pair of Steve Maddens heels and realized that I can’t wear it for long because of my feet’s condition~

Then I had to buy another pair of heatwave shoes because that’s the company’s official model to wear~

In the end, both I can’t wear, I wore flats instead~

I am sick~

Fell sick with the burden of my feet..

Feet was so painful that I can’t walk yesterday, literally had to limp home~

I cried when I was in Universal studios when I thought of you and I saw happy families and how you’ve asked me to spend the new year with you~ But well~ I’m just weak~

Today was painful as well, because literally, I still had to wear flats which doesn’t suit me completely~ toe was sorta crushed but not the jialat type~

Had asthma attacks from last night, but didn’t know it would get worst when I went to work, on the way walking, I sprayed my Ventolin twice..

I went to work le, after my break , sprayed twice~

Then later, when I was alone at my shift, I was literally spraying it every 20mins, so I panicked~ And asked Jerry for help, and he was rushing me to hospital, but I couldn’t walk away, so the very nice de Xiao Ka mian bao bought me ventolin pills instead.. Because Jerry said if I oversprayed the inhaler , it will die on me and won’t work~ OMG~

Then later, me and Car went to Cineleisure, for some soups, because some warm stuffs helps for my asthma~

I  bumped into Sharon’s hubby- Victor

And~

Eddie and his gf, Ferlyn

Then I suddenly realized I’m having a fever, I can’t walk properly due to feet pain, giddy because of low blood pressure, asthma and my ventolin inhaler finished on me~ OH GOD~

I suddenly thought about nobody pitying me etc.

But yesterday I called William and chatted with him, his Cantonese is good in terms of understanding~

I bumped into Pighead Ah Yu aka Gek Keng, turns out that she’s working for the same company as me~

Anyway, chatting with William these few days, by phone all the way to UK and by facebook~ He scolded me for being stupid for some guy who cheated on me, I felt so loved by my friends that I think I should had just let it go~ Afterall, you lose out by choosing an ugly, stupid and poor gf~ And you had to always act childish when you’re with her~ TOO BAD~

I’m tired, extremely sick and still had to work tomorrow, if not I think my manager will screw me because nobody replace my working hours, and I will have to work for 7 days before I get my first off day~

But the fact that I’m going to KL soon and Ramly burger is waiting for me and that I can still blog now, indicates that I’m not going to die yet~

Ciao~

A Small Nightmare

29 May

Hi Peeps,

It’s 5+am and I’m awake by my dream.. 

Oh my gosh, it’s actually a nightmare that has been haunting me for the whole night.. 

Usually, when I had a nightmare, I would call “my ex” to talk about it.. Especially when it involves him.. But now.. Because he’s not mine anymore, I’m not entitled to call him at weird timings and I’ve to kick off the habit of calling him.. So here I am, writing my blog, and searching for the meaning of my dream.. 

Here goes:

I received a phone call out of nowhere, from some bitch which I dislike.. She called me and told me that she had a “gift” for me and asked me to wait for her at the office.. 

I didn’t bothered to ask her about the contents of the gift and I went over to the office, it was about 1pm++

When I entered the office, I saw my ex , and some other people, but the bitch came late, usually she start work at 1230, but she wasn’t in the office…

So while I waited for her in the office, I started chatting with my ex, and later, when the bitch came into the office, my ex started chasing me out of the office.. He kept rushing me and prompting me to leave..

I was very pissed off with him but nevertheless, I waited for the idiotic bitch to settle down and I asked her what she has for me..

Turn out that she gave me a plastic bag (grocery store type) , with one small can of “mian jin”, it was some kind of wheat meat, which cost abt 70 cents…

It somehow looked like this:

+

I was extremely pissed off with her for wasting my time over rubbish~!

Oh gosh!~

Have been trying to get rid of her in my life ever since she stalked me.. First she is the 3rd party, 2nd, she purposely gave me some shitty gift in real life and purposely acting pitiful and asked my ex to tell me about her having a gift for me..

What made me so angry was that, she didn’t buy the gift purposely for me, it was like some random thing which cost less than $5 and it was a furry scarf which is not even good enough for being a rag at my home.. Singapore so hot, you think people crazy to wear fur? Further more it’s a cheapo crap!

Pls lah, at least when I buy something for you, I meant it with you in mind when I bought it.. Goodness~

I mean… What’s wrong with you? You have my number and you can call me or text me anytime, why do you have to force me to come up to find u ? IDIOT!~

Ok , sorry about side tracking.. Anyway, I was pissed off by that bitch because in my dream, she smiled to me so “sweetly” that nobody knows what happened.. It was like a sudden change of face..

Somehow, when I met her outside, I slapped her..

It was kinda scary for me because no matter how angry I was, I’ll never resort to violence, because being a victim of violence, I know how it felt..

So yeah, I went to search for the meaning of my dream and it was quite accurate:

To dream that you or someone has two faces or that the faces changes quickly from one person to another, indicates untrustworthiness. You or someone in your life is acting “two-faced”.

From: http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamthemes/bodyparts.htm

Then again, I found something about me slapping that bitch:

To dream that you slap someone, suggests that you are harboring some deep anger and repressed rage

From: http://whatdoesmydreammean.net/dreams-about-slap-an-interpretation-of-the-slap-dream/

So in my dream, I repeatedly slapped her, she ran and I chased after her.. Later on, somehow, she got away and she came back with helpers to “fight” back..

So, from whatdoesmydreammean.net it states :

To dream that you participate in a fight, indicates inner turmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard. It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life.

Then later on, the bitch called the police and said that I beat her up and she was the helpless one who never fight back.. (well, that’s quite typical of her)

I was then arrested by the police LOL

And the meaning of being arrested is :

To dream that you are being arrested, indicates issues of control and restraint. Some aspect of your Self may have been prevented from fully developing.

Well.. And that comes to the end of my nightmare and I woke up shocked..

But thank god it was only a nightmare, and although true, she’s ugly, old, stupid and idiotic, I’ll never dirty my hands because of her..

Hahaha~ God bless~

Food shall be reduced..

27 May

Hi guys~

I’m back for now, almost all done with stuffs for Grandpa etc.

Was screening through Facebook and saw this article:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/africa/from-one-bowl-of-rice-a-day-to-nothing-hunger-spreads-stalks-1m-children-in-africa/2012/05/26/gJQAVDUCsU_story.html?Post+generic=%3Ftid%3Dsm_twitter_washingtonpost

Reading the article gave me some thoughts about food wastage in our developed country and those food that I didn’t wana eat just because I ordered too much, too full etc.

Here I am, wasting so much food, feeding myself like a fatso, stuffing myself every few hours, when in fact, there’s so many people out there who are lacking of foodsssss..

Although I knew this isn’t something new to begin with, but as June is approaching, I shall made a pledge not to waste food and reduce my food intake 🙂

Well..

13 Apr

Hello Peeps~
I was busy exploring Taiwan and haven’t been blogging, one of the reasons was the computer was slowwwwwww ~

Anyways, I’m now in KL, away from Taiwan already, and that damn Tim is gg Taiwan today T_T

How ENVY~~~~

I wasn’t in the best of my mood these few days , most probably due to me being sick, and some stupid people and news LOL

I was showering in KL when I suddenly thought of these two songs ~

And ~

又一个夜深人静的晚上

17 Feb

今晚的心情特别遭, 也不知为何, 心里总有一股莫名的感觉, 本来身心已经疲惫不堪, 但却无法解释的, 整晚彻夜不眠, 我本想以追看连续剧来麻痹自己, 或许消耗了多余的能量, 或许我看到累了, 就会自然入眠,或许。。

眼看所有的或许, 但却发现只是自欺欺人, 我已经看完了整套戏, 但却还是在徘徊, 荒谬的是, 心里也不知道自己在徘徊个啥劲?

当月亮还高挂天空, 星空下的夜晚, 我去游泳了, 我使劲的游, 不知过了多久, 我发现, 心痛的感觉还是没法停止。

对于自己的言行举止, 我已无法以常理解释出个啥理论来。

我的宗旨是永远爱自己胜于他人。

或许,  我在对你好的当儿,已忘了善待自个。

就在夜深人静的夜晚, 屋里明明有人, 但说穿了,其实就只是一个空壳, 就犹如一只螃蟹, 在壮观的外表下,其实空虚。

很多城市人都犯了这个都市毛病, 就连我这个自命不凡的人也无可幸免。

可能老娘的机率比较小。

室友曾问我, 为何总做半夜鬼, 半夜三更到处溜达。

夜的宁静, 或许对某些人而言, 可怕。

但如能看透, 事上没啥可怕的事, 只要坦然面对,拥抱, 欣然接受,一切自有安排。

可怕的其实是自己没法接受, 开始逃避, 那才会让自己掉进无底深渊。

今夜的我,感到无比的心痛, 如万针穿心的刺痛, 百般滋味涌上心头, 实在无法用三言两语,一会儿工夫解释得了。

我总觉得是自己想多了, 或许只是一时的心志不成熟。

心如刀割的痛, 实在无法忽略, 但又没法治疗, 因为自己的心里都不知到底是为了啥? 这样矛盾的自己, 罕见,陌生。

曾经, 或许, 我曾是这样的,只是这个自己太渺小,太遥远, 我已忘了这样的自己。

痛, 只是暂时的, 无论如何歇斯底里,到最后, 都只有输给时间。

有一天就会突然记起某些事与物。 赫然发现,或许啥都不重要了。

相处的时间变少了, 生活的压力变大了,或许连相处都是一种奢侈。 或许某人已经勉为其难。

对不起, 我知道,相处的时间有限, 我只想在有限的时间尽量相处, 希望我能为你做些啥事, 哪怕一丁点也好。

就这样, 啥都不要求, 我答应。

遗憾的是, 或许真的没法让你交心,停顿休息, 但我已尽力。

旁观者清,当局者迷~ 有时, 我只能袖手旁观, 因感触深, 泥足深陷,无法自拔,又时也无计可施, 痛就是如此的深刻。

付出=收获,正所谓,一分耕耘, 一分收获 。

那是对于事物, 对于人, 算了。

如此斤斤计较, 处心积虑, 乐活变成了遥不可及的方式。

何苦呢?

或许吧, 人老了, 当初的一时起劲, 恶心扒拉的屁, 如今回首, 会心一笑。

人去楼空, 就放手, 强留有何意义?

冥冥中注定,尽力争取就可, 强人所难实属多余。